Monday 21 January 2013

Life: Sit Back & Enjoy The Ride (Part 1)

We all live different lives, deal with different experiences and have different opinions on the world and the bodies that we live in.

Life is like a roller coaster; it starts off slow from the bottom, gradually builds up speed, takes you high, and when the roller coaster is at the highest point it steady's itself before it comes down fast! We all know that feeling. The older we get, the faster life gets, and the constant high and lows begin to occur.



My roller coaster started when I was 15. The teenage life is when you start to feel a hint of adult emotion, a bit of experience and see things you had never seen before.

You would be surprised to know that I did not know why I was in school. I did not understand the importance of obtaining GCSEs and school was more like a social zone to me. Don't worry about why I was so clueless, it was the life that I lived at the time. There is just some things that I could not speak off, my heart doesn't allow me and my mind wants to forget. I had been arrested twice at the age of 15 during my GCSE exams because of situations that I put myself in. No one was to blame but myself. I had no older brother, no father figure and I was confused. Usually your parents help sculpt you, I had to build myself.






Let's start with my GCSEs. In class, I lacked concentration and my mind was elsewhere.  I would chat away through classes, day dream or worry about being attacked after school. When you're a teenager you try ever so hard to fit in. I managed to get myself involved within the wrong crowd and because of that wrong crowd, people disliked me. I didn't want GCSEs, I wanted a reputation.



Trying to gain this reputation had almost caused me a criminal record. I was completely innocent, I was just an idiot for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. The second time I got arrested was more or less for the same thing. My friends had rivalry and were being heavily targeted by guys who must have had nothing to lose. Literally, these guys had come with cars loaded with hammers, screwdrivers, knives and god knows what else and brutally attacked my friends. The guys had shown no remorse at all. One of my friends was inside a KFC with me and got attacked. There was kids inside the KFC crying, but the attack went on.

My friends had a few deterrents on them for protection because they knew they were being targeted. One of these deterrents was a hammer, located in MY bag. After the incident, I knew that the police would be here soon. After checking up on my friends, I ran to the nearest street to hide the hammer. Now this is the funny part.  I found a nice little street corner, I placed the hammer down and looked up to find myself under a CCTV camera; I should have smiled for the picture. This is how I got arrested the second time.

The week I got arrested was GCSE revision week, not for me though. I was revising my life. Being in a cell again almost made me break down, I did not want to be here and couldn't believe my luck. I wished I could have turned back time and just lived a normal teenage life.

Like the first arrest, I was released after months of bail, without charge. I wanted to change and did not want to live like this anymore. I did not want to live a life in fear, I was only 15! So this is what I did..

I stopped going out, cut off all communication with people who would get me in trouble, stopped dressing a certain way and started putting in effort towards my exams. It was too late though.

I dressed up in a nice formal blue Lacoste shirt, my best pair of jeans and shoes. It was GCSE results day.

I failed my GCSEs, I have no shame in admitting it. Whilst everyone else was dancing in jubilation with their parents, I walked home alone with my head down the whole time, found a discreet location and sat there with my head in my hands for hours. I got ten D's, a few E's and one F.




Did I deserve this? Of course I did. Failing my GCSEs was the best thing to ever happen to me. my eyelids were lifted and I would finally see reality and snapped out of whatever trance I was under.

Are you a teenager at school who finds themselves in a similar situation to how I was? If so, don't make the same mistake I made. I came out a better person than I expected, but that all came at a price. I had to sacrifice so much to get to where I am now. My past sometimes still comes back and briefly haunts me. You don't need to sacrifice, you can make a change NOW.

Just because some kids wear fancy clothes, speak in a certain form, are popular in school and treat school like a chill zone, you don't need to! Just because you get bullied by kids who you feel inferior too, that doesn't matter! I was told I was worthless, ugly and that I would never amount to nothing. The same kids that said those things to me are doing nothing with their lives. If I hadn't changed the direction I was going, I would probably be doing nothing with my life as well.

I promise you, anything is possible... ANYTHING.. Try it...

Do not make any excuses, you do not need to live a certain way because it is the only option available to you. There are many options, you just need to look for them.. They won't come to you.




This is part one of my blog post. On my next post I will tell you what happened after I failed my GCSEs.

Stay With Me.


Tuesday 1 January 2013

Music: Do You Think This Was Easy?

So how did my music develop? When did I start? Why do I bother carrying on? When I am still not earning money from what I do? Let me tell you something; music was my friend when no one else was, my hobby when I wasn't good at anything and it made me express myself like I could never express myself casually. 



I started making music at 12, which means that I have been doing this for almost a decade. I was awful, if I played you a song of mine from when I started or even a few years after, you would not have taken me seriously. In fact, if you played the teenage me one of my most recent songs, I would have never believed that was me. 

When I listen back to my music from previous years, I am rather surprised at my lyrical content. Even at the age of 12, everything was awful but my lyrics were always good.  

If you think that it was easy for me to get to the stage that I am at now, then you are mistaken. Yes, I'm not rich or hugely famous, heck I haven't even released an official single yet. BUT it was not easy, I promise you. 



All my musical life, I have written my own songs, mixed down my own songs, edited my own vocals, got myself shows and had to deal with the criticism that came along with it solely. Not only this; I've had to deal with the emotional, mental, financial and time burden that comes with making music. 

What burdens? Let's start with emotional. When I was at the starting point of making music, I knew I sucked. I had always listened to other musicians and wished to be as good as them. I used to always put myself down and was even embarassed to show any of my friends or school mates my music. In the situation I am currently in, I still criticise myself but I don't take it to heart anymore. AND I am now better than those I wanted to be as good as. They all ask to work with me too. Music is especially emotionally draining when you lack inspiration; inspiration is the colour of the lyrics you try and create imagery of and without this colour everything is black and white. Without this inspiration, you feel hopeless and feel as if you are getting no where. 

Through music I have also made and lost several friends. You meet people all over the country, who you then become friends with because of what you have in common. These relationships never last, I can never stress the amount of people who have called me a brother and now do not exist in my life. 



... Then again, I have met some amazing people who I wish to take on this journey with me. They are not just musicians though, they are real people, you know? 

Mentally, music has a huge affect. Music can either create, kill or condition egos. In my musical career, I have gone through a phase where I've had an inflated ego.  Now I think I can happily say that I've matured enough to just be level headed.  

As well as ego boosting praise, there is also morale puncturing and ego derailing criticism. I have probably had all sorts of criticism: Constructional, hateful, religious, hypocritical and even the harsh truth. All these come with the package, but I must outline the religious criticism, I do not deserve this. 



When I started making music, I wanted to inspire, make music with a meaning and avoid any explicit language in my songs, as well as being an anti sex, drugs and alcohol promoting rapper. Although I have not promoted sex, drugs nor alcohol in my music, I am guilty of swearing. My excuse was that it adds emotional emphasis (depending on the song) and it gives a harder delivery.  

After I left school, at the age of 16 when my music was improving, I was well recognised in my city. All the younger kids from the city would approach me or point at me from afar and whisper as if I was a celebrity. This prompted a mature response from me and I avoided explicit language in my music because I didn't want the kids to copy me.  

A few years later I went through an emotional phase where I started swearing in my songs again. It then became a habit and stuck with me. Although I wasn't too explicit, it was still wrong and against everything I stood for. Recently I have either muted or reversed any explicit language in my music or even avoided it all together. Sometimes the lyrics have to be deep and that involves swearing, but that's between me and my pen... No one needs to hear it. 

So yes, Religion? Why must I be criticised for doing something that isn't harming anybody? Isn't illegal and IS against my religion? Look, I know right from wrong, I'm not stupid. I know why I am doing music and so does GOD. Religion is all about intention and my intention is not to chase riches, stardom and to be lead astray. NEVER. You must trust me on this.  

I do not crave attention, I just crave affection. All I'm asking for is your love and support, I don't want your money and minds. 



About 2 years ago, I was releasing almost 3 songs every week.  Now I am at university, playing football and working on my health and fitness, I do not have the time. There is no patience in music. People will give you their hope and belief for a short amount of time and if you do not fulfill expectations then they will disappear, with the hope and belief.  

I have dedicated a fair amount of time in my music and have been very patient. I remember everyone who supports me, all the names and faces. Some really nice people who don't even want to know me anymore because I have not met their expectations. People need to be really patient with me, I will succeed.  



I have never charged anyone for my music and 2012 alone was the year I released 40 songs. That's 40 free songs I wrote, recorded, edited, made YouTube videos for, released and promoted.. For YOU! Believe me, that is a lot of time and effort. All I ask for is your patience, love and support. 

As for the financial side of things, I am a product of poverty. Don't get me wrong, my family background is pretty good. We are not poor, but we are not swimming in money either.  

I was raised in a single parent council house when my parents got seperated. We had a house that we left behind, my fathers home. My mum had no job and me and my siblings didn't have any fancy clothes or huge portions on our dinner plates.  

I have always been against asking my parents for money and have been pretty independent financially. I am an adult now, so asking my parents for money is definitely out of the question. 

I do have money, but I have to be responsible and spend wisely. Music is very expensive and as a student at university I cannot afford to invest fully in myself at the moment, but I will slowly build myself towards it.  

So why do I want to do this? Because I started it with an aim and I plan to fulfill that aim. Money is no issue, I still enjoy making music and that is what I will carry on doing whilst I am young. I have set myself an age limit and do not intend on forcing the issue. If I do not fulfill my aim whilst I am still young, then it was just simply not meant to be. This is the child me's dream, I am now becoming an adult with different ambitions. I just have unfinished business. 

Stay with me.