Music: Do You Think This Was Easy?

So how did my music develop? When did I start? Why do I bother carrying on? When I am still not earning money from what I do? Let me tell you something; music was my friend when no one else was, my hobby when I wasn't good at anything and it made me express myself like I could never express myself casually. 

I started making music at 12, which means that I have been doing this for almost a decade. I was awful, if I played you a song of mine from when I started or even a few years after, you would not have taken me seriously. In fact, if you played the teenage me one of my most recent songs, I would have never believed that was me. 

When I listen back to my music from previous years, I am rather surprised at my lyrical content. Even at the age of 12, everything was awful but my lyrics were always good.  

If you think that it was easy for me to get to the stage that I am at now, then you are mistaken. Yes, I'm not rich or hugely famous, heck I haven't even released an official single yet. BUT it was not easy, I promise you. 

All my musical life, I have written my own songs, mixed down my own songs, edited my own vocals, got myself shows and had to deal with the criticism that came along with it solely. Not only this; I've had to deal with the emotional, mental, financial and time burden that comes with making music. 

What burdens? Let's start with emotional. When I was at the starting point of making music, I knew I sucked. I had always listened to other musicians and wished to be as good as them. I used to always put myself down and was even embarassed to show any of my friends or school mates my music. In the situation I am currently in, I still criticise myself but I don't take it to heart anymore. AND I am now better than those I wanted to be as good as. They all ask to work with me too. Music is especially emotionally draining when you lack inspiration; inspiration is the colour of the lyrics you try and create imagery of and without this colour everything is black and white. Without this inspiration, you feel hopeless and feel as if you are getting no where. 

Through music I have also made and lost several friends. You meet people all over the country, who you then become friends with because of what you have in common. These relationships never last, I can never stress the amount of people who have called me a brother and now do not exist in my life. 

... Then again, I have met some amazing people who I wish to take on this journey with me. They are not just musicians though, they are real people, you know? 

Mentally, music has a huge affect. Music can either create, kill or condition egos. In my musical career, I have gone through a phase where I've had an inflated ego.  Now I think I can happily say that I've matured enough to just be level headed.  

As well as ego boosting praise, there is also morale puncturing and ego derailing criticism. I have probably had all sorts of criticism: Constructional, hateful, religious, hypocritical and even the harsh truth. All these come with the package, but I must outline the religious criticism, I do not deserve this. 

When I started making music, I wanted to inspire, make music with a meaning and avoid any explicit language in my songs, as well as being an anti sex, drugs and alcohol promoting rapper. Although I have not promoted sex, drugs nor alcohol in my music, I am guilty of swearing. My excuse was that it adds emotional emphasis (depending on the song) and it gives a harder delivery.  

After I left school, at the age of 16 when my music was improving, I was well recognised in my city. All the younger kids from the city would approach me or point at me from afar and whisper as if I was a celebrity. This prompted a mature response from me and I avoided explicit language in my music because I didn't want the kids to copy me.  

A few years later I went through an emotional phase where I started swearing in my songs again. It then became a habit and stuck with me. Although I wasn't too explicit, it was still wrong and against everything I stood for. Recently I have either muted or reversed any explicit language in my music or even avoided it all together. Sometimes the lyrics have to be deep and that involves swearing, but that's between me and my pen... No one needs to hear it. 

So yes, Religion? Why must I be criticised for doing something that isn't harming anybody? Isn't illegal and IS against my religion? Look, I know right from wrong, I'm not stupid. I know why I am doing music and so does GOD. Religion is all about intention and my intention is not to chase riches, stardom and to be lead astray. NEVER. You must trust me on this.  

I do not crave attention, I just crave affection. All I'm asking for is your love and support, I don't want your money and minds. 

About 2 years ago, I was releasing almost 3 songs every week.  Now I am at university, playing football and working on my health and fitness, I do not have the time. There is no patience in music. People will give you their hope and belief for a short amount of time and if you do not fulfill expectations then they will disappear, with the hope and belief.  

I have dedicated a fair amount of time in my music and have been very patient. I remember everyone who supports me, all the names and faces. Some really nice people who don't even want to know me anymore because I have not met their expectations. People need to be really patient with me, I will succeed.  

I have never charged anyone for my music and 2012 alone was the year I released 40 songs. That's 40 free songs I wrote, recorded, edited, made YouTube videos for, released and promoted.. For YOU! Believe me, that is a lot of time and effort. All I ask for is your patience, love and support. 

As for the financial side of things, I am a product of poverty. Don't get me wrong, my family background is pretty good. We are not poor, but we are not swimming in money either.  

I was raised in a single parent council house when my parents got seperated. We had a house that we left behind, my fathers home. My mum had no job and me and my siblings didn't have any fancy clothes or huge portions on our dinner plates.  

I have always been against asking my parents for money and have been pretty independent financially. I am an adult now, so asking my parents for money is definitely out of the question. 

I do have money, but I have to be responsible and spend wisely. Music is very expensive and as a student at university I cannot afford to invest fully in myself at the moment, but I will slowly build myself towards it.  

So why do I want to do this? Because I started it with an aim and I plan to fulfill that aim. Money is no issue, I still enjoy making music and that is what I will carry on doing whilst I am young. I have set myself an age limit and do not intend on forcing the issue. If I do not fulfill my aim whilst I am still young, then it was just simply not meant to be. This is the child me's dream, I am now becoming an adult with different ambitions. I just have unfinished business. 

Stay with me.